White People: We're all Amy Cooper, but let's work hard to change that

When I saw on the news the video of Amy Cooper calling the police on Christian Cooper for the grave offense of being Black and bird-watching, my first thought was "what a racist bitch, how dare she?" When I heard she was fired, I thought "good." I saw a lot of white people on Twitter with similar sentiments, everyone of course thinking how wrong and awful Any is, and how they of course are the good, pure white people that would never do that. I too thought, "I am a good, pure white person and would never do that."

Then I started thinking more deeply about it. What if I'm not all that different from Amy Cooper?

When I was growing up, I first learned about racism in elementary school. It was taught to me in a very simple, straight-forward way: Racism is when one race (generally white people) think they are better and worth more than another race (in America it's often Black people, but also stretches to other non-white races). Basically, I thought racism meant that you dislike someone based on their skin color. So for me, it was very simple. Of course I'm not racist. I like people based on their personality, not their skin color. Therefore I am not racist, I am not a part of the problem, end of story.

Unfortunately, it is not anywhere near this simple, and I think what I was taught was how many white people were taught about racism. We were never taught how insidious it is, how it goes so much deeper than liking or disliking someone based on skin color. We were never taught about institutional racism, systemic racism, or unconscious biases. The irony of that is that not teaching us these deeper, more complex kinds of racism fed into the problem.

I spent about thirty years thinking I'm not racist. The truth is, maybe I am. But I don't want to be. It wasn't until my thirties that I really began to understand the complexities of racism and how I was/am contributing to the problem. I still want to say I am not racist, but I can't. What I can say is, "I do not want to be racist. I will try very hard every second of every day to not be racist, to not contribute to the problem. I will continually look at my biases and actions and strive to be better.."

I have chronic ankle issues and can't do a lot of walking or standing, so protesting in public is not an option for me. So I fill fight against it with words, donations, and anything else I can do. I hope my blogs and poems can help get through to other white people similar to myself.

I'm going to share a story. This story does not show me in a good light. I am quite ashamed of myself and have only shared this story with people I'm very close to. But now, in light of everything, I think it's important.

This is my Amy Cooper moment.

In 2011 I applied for a grad program for psychology/counseling. I'd gotten an interview, which was done in a group format. One of the many portions of this was a group discussion about racism. My group consisted of mostly white people, one Black woman (we'll call her Tanya), an open lesbian, and there may have been a couple other minorities present, but it was a long time ago so I don't completely remember. We started by watching a five minute video showing a racist scenario in a workplace. When it was over, we were given ten minutes to discuss. I am very shy. It is hard for me to speak in groups, and I'm also not very skilled at knowing when to just hop in. So, I decided to speak first. I can't remember what I said, but a white man replied to my comment. I then responded to him. In my response I said something along the lines of "I think we . . ."

Tanya interrupted me and said, "Don't say 'we'! You are in a mixed group of people and saying 'we' is dis-including those of us who are not white."  (not her exact words, but the gist of them.)
I was shocked and mortified. I'd offended a Black woman, something I never thought I'd do because I'm not racist. Due to my shyness, I shut down after that and was completely quiet the rest of the interview.

I did not get into that program.

Now, as if that weren't shameful enough, here is the worst part. When talking to my family and friends about the interview I said, "I didn't get in because a Black woman jumped down my throat." Yes. I said that. Many times. It was a horrible, ignorant, racist thing to think and say. The thing is, I didn't fully believe it was all her fault, so I don't even know why I said it. I think honestly I was angry with myself for shutting down after that, but I wanted to blame someone else. This is an example of how insidious racism is. I genuinely thought it was okay for me to say these things because "I liked Black people" and "I wasn't racist".

It was not okay. Absolutely not okay. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself. It was not Tanya's fault that I did not get in. It was my fault. I could've handled that situation so much better. Instead of shutting down, I wish I'd said to Tanya, "But I was responding to this gentleman, who is white like me, that is why I said 'we'." Tanya may then have explained to me how many white people make this same mistake, or do things like this that cause Black people and other non-white people to be left out of this discussion. I could've thought more about it and responded. It could have led to a very powerful discussion, that may have led me to see things about myself I didn't want to see. Instead, I took the easy way out, the one so many white people take: blame the Black person. This is not okay. Blaming anyone else for your own short-comings is always bad, but blaming a Black person or another minority is even worse. It's racism at its most powerful, because it fuels dangerous ideas, ideas like "Black people are to blame for the failings of the world."

I hate that I contributed to that. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can't. What I can do is move forward. I can learn from this experience and take this shame and do better. I'm sharing this story so other white people can see it, and maybe it will make them think of their own similar experiences. Maybe it will help them do better. I hope so.

To "Tanya": The odds of you seeing this are slim, but I am truly sorry. I'm sorry for saying "we" and not understanding why that was harmful. I'm sorry for not engaging with you and learning more about it in the moment. I'm sorry for blaming you for my failure. It was racist, and it was wrong. I can only say that I've recognized how wrong I was, how I contributed to the problem, and that I will consciously strive be the person I thought I was: "not racist".

Now, back to Amy Cooper. It's so easy for white people to be disgusted by her actions and to think "I'm not her. I will never be her." But let's stop for a minute and think about how we are her. I am going to make some assumptions about her for the purpose of the point I'm trying to make. I'm guessing Amy was taught, much like myself, that racism is simple. It's "I like Black people" or "I don't like Black people". She probably thought she wasn't racist. After watching her become increasingly escalated in the video, I worry, "Could that be me? Could I do that?" I'd love to think I wouldn't. My guess is that Amy really was afraid of Christian Cooper, but maybe she at first didn't know why. Another product of the insidiousness of racism. Amy had an unconscious bias that caused her to be more fearful of this bird-watcher because he is Black than she would've been of a white bird-watcher. When she "went to a racist place" by saying "I'm going to tell them an African American man is threatening me" she probably went there on instinct because of that fear caused by her unconscious bias. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that what she did was okay. I'm saying it's more complex than "Amy is a racist and hates black people."  I'm also saying that a lot of us white people probably have more in common with her than we think. And even though we'd like to think "I could never be that woman" let's change that. Let's think "What if I could do what Amy did?" Let's be aware of that, constantly. Many racist behaviors are brought on by these unconscious, underlying biases. So let's be aware of them. Let's stop and think "Would I feel this way if this person were white?" "How would I behave differently if this were a white person?"

I hope that Amy is learning from this experience. I hope she is examining herself and her understanding of racism. But even if she isn't, us white people who call ourselves allies can use her actions as a way to examine ourselves. To see how we are her, or could become her, and to strive to do better. Part of that is looking at ourselves and our actions where we've behaved in a racist way. Like my story above. These are hard things to think about, because along with being taught that racism is as black and white as "you either like Black people or you don't" we were taught that racist people are horrible, evil scumbags. And yes, many of them are. But not all of them. Many people who behave in racist ways believe themselves not to be racist, and have a hard time admitting to racist actions, because we were told this makes us evil. No one wants to think of themselves as evil. But it does not make us evil. It makes us wrong. It makes us ignorant. It makes us products of decades of systemic racism. The first step to being anti-racist and fighting against racism is to recognize how we've contributed to the problem. It does not make us evil. Recognize where you've failed and learn from it. Strive to do better. Share how you behaved in a racist way with other white people so they too can examine it and learn from it. Many racist acts are unconscious, so let's make our anti-racism conscious. Think about it all the time. Racism is an insidious enemy, so we must stay vigilant.

Please feel free to comment on this post. If you disagree with anything I've said, or feel that I am wrong or maybe something I said is racist, please let me know. I promise to think critically about all comments and feedback. Knowing that, please do not rip me apart and cuss at me. Passionate comments are fine, but not ones that are aggressive and mean. Present your thoughts constructively. I am trying to help the problem, but I know I still have unconscious racist biases that have become embedded in my brain, so I might be saying something ignorant unintentionally. So just please, stay civil, and I promise to give your comment careful thought and consideration.

Thank you for reading.