Despite popular opinion, needing government assistance sucks

I saw this on a FB friend's wall today:

It really upset me. I hate the line of thinking that people in various government assistance programs are lazy leeches. The majority of us are not.

First of all, there is a great deal of shame that goes with being poor. I'm currently on medicaid, and used to be a food stamp recipient. The process of applying for these programs is draining and humiliating. You are basically asked to provide your life story and all your deepest darkest secrets. You are made to feel like the lowest scum of the planet. Also, you really don't get much. I got $16 a month worth of food stamps. It did help, but it almost wasn't even worth the grueling application process.

I'd like to tell the story of why I'm in need of assistance. I hope it will enlighten some people.

I used to work at a nonprofit organization for adults with developmental disabilities. In addition, I worked in the retirement day program, which meant that the people I served had degenerative disabilities on top of everything else. It was extremely tough, but extremely rewarding work.

Two and a half years ago, I was assisting a man with gait issues to walk. He fell, bumped my knee, and took me down with him. I wound up with a high ankle sprain (less common and more severe than your average ankle sprain) that didn't heal properly. I had surgery, but my tendon had a bad reaction to the suture, so I had a second surgery. Again, the tendons had a bad reaction, and I was left with chronic neuropathy in both legs (it sucks.) After many doctor visits and a fight with WC insurance, two weeks ago I had surgery #3. I have a new, very experienced surgeon, so I'm hopeful that the 3rd time's the charm.

I lost my job because the company I worked for was too small to find an accommodating position for me (no hard feelings there; it is what it is), but I do receive worker's comp benefits.

If it weren't for the Medicaid expansion program, I otherwise wouldn't have had medical care for things other than the worker comp injury. I'm grateful for the program, and those who contribute to it. I don't know what I would have done with out it.
I feel that for people who are posting the above meme, this should be pointed out: I'm also grateful to myself, since, as someone who worked for 18 years prior to this, I contributed to medicaid and SS as well!!!!

Unfortunately, there are indeed bad apples who abuse these programs. It angers me because it makes people like me--the vast majority--look bad. Those bad apples are the minority. The media doesn't report "And today 2 million welfare recipients did not abuse the program" because that's not exciting news. The two people who did abuse it--that's exciting news.
Let me give an analogy to help my point. When you go into a restaurant and receive bad service, you're pretty angry about it. Sometimes, you are so angry that you tell your friends about it, and post a review on Yelp. But when you get good service, how often do you take the time to write a review? Sadly, I rarely do (though recently I've made a point of doing this.) Something good happens, and we move on with our day. It's the same thing with people on assistance programs. There's no need for the media to report on the good recipients, because there is nothing to report.

People often make jokes about how lucky I am that I don't work and don't have to get up to an alarm.
Yeah, that's definitely nice. Not working has it's perks, I won't lie. But the negatives far outweigh the positives. I'm bored. I'm in pain twenty for hours a day. I can't do the things I used to be able to do--like walk, dance, go bowling, etc. I often have the mental motivation to do something, but the physical energy is just not there. I really miss being able to work. I feel useless and depressed, and it is not a good feeling. What I miss even more is working in the human services profession. It was so rewarding.

Before I was injured, I used to look at my pay stub and see the Medicaid and SS deductions and think, "Crap. That's a lot of $ I don't get." But now that one of those programs has helped me so much, I'm grateful, more than I can say (there will probably be a future post coming soon about how this might all be taken away soon, but that wasn't what I wanted to address in this post).

I hope people who share memes like the one pictured above, and those who complain about giving $ to assistance programs, will listen to my story and maybe think about it differently. If it doesn't, just remember that life is ironic. The person complaining about giving $ to medicaid could experience some disaster in the future and then be in need of the very program they complained so adamantly about. Life's a bitch that way.

Comments, thoughts, opinions welcome, so long as they are civilized.

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Why Victims Don't Report--Because for some reason people still do not get it

     I'm seeing all over TV and social media that there is still a lot of confusion regarding why victims don't report sexual harassment, abuse, assault, and rape. Despite that many victims have stated their (legitimate) reasons publicly; last week's trending hashtag #whywomendontreport, which listed several (valid) explanations; and--quite frankly--common freaking sense (if one would only take a few seconds to think about it logically); victims are still being questioned for why they don't report right away, or at all. There are too many ignorant people in the world who just do not get it. In my opinion, this subject will not be closed until people do get it.

     For this post, I am going to use the word victim, to account for the fact that both women and men are victims. I am going to use the word perpetrator, to account for the fact that both women and men can be perpetrators.

     In my last post, I recounted a situation I was in at the part-time job I held in high school. My male supervisor continuously sexually harassed me, and at least one other female co-worker. I'm not going to get too into that (because I already did), but one of the reasons I never reported him was fear. Among other things, I was afraid of not being believed, and what would happen to me and my job if I reported. 

     Fear plays a huge role in why people don't report. I'd say it's the motivating factor behind the myriad of reasons people stay silent. I think that people who've been fortunate enough to not have experienced a situation in which they were made a victim, don't understand this fear and how strong it is. In order to achieve universal understanding, we need to dig deeper. We need to understand what victims are going through and what they may be thinking.

     As someone who has been the victim of more than one type of harassment and assault, holds a psychology degree and continues to research trauma and its effects, and has worked professionally with victims of abuse, I feel that I can say with a fair degree of confidence that something victims want most (or at least near the top of the list) is to move on. They want the situation to be over. They want to be safe. They want to escape the person/situation that victimized them and move on and retake their lives. Not reporting is one way to accomplish this. As many people know from watching the news and social media, when a victim reports, they are not left alone for a very long time. They are judged again and again by friends, family, and acquaintances and also by perfect strangers who have no business judging them. They are forced to relive the trauma of what happened over and over and over again. They are not made to feel safe and protected. They face the fear of not knowing how long the judgment will go on, and the fear of wondering what the full repercussions will be. Not reporting is a way of letting go, moving on, and being safe. 

     I would like to specifically address sexual assault and harassment. Imagine a victim in a situation (possibly in a public place) where they are touched or grabbed inappropriately. This can happen more easily than one might think. A perpetrator could be hugging a victim and slide a hand to an intimate place, or even give the victim a non-consensual kiss on the lips. In these cases, the assault may only last a few seconds. The victim is most likely in pure shock for several seconds or even minutes or hours. The victim may be thinking something along the lines of: "Did that really happen?" By the time the victim has processed what has just occurred, the situation is likely over. The victim may then be thinking : "Why say something? It's over. I'm safe now." Fear also plays a factor in these situations. Inappropriate touches can easily be explained by things like, "it was an accident" or "that's just how I greet people." Statements/explanations like that are not okay, but unfortunately are made. Why would a victim, who is already feeling shame, fear, confusion, and violation want to risk causing a scene? What they really want is to move on and be safe. Staying silent is a way to ensure that safety. 

     I feel it's necessary to address this trend: after one or two victims come forward, more and more victims (often of the same perpetrator) start coming out of the woodwork. Many people are baffled by this, wondering why these victims had stayed silent and how/why there are so many suddenly speaking up. Critics also question the legitimacy of these claims. I admit that it does seem strange, but that's only if one doesn't understand trauma and what it's like to be a victim. Victims feel more comfortable when they know they are not alone. When victims realize that others have had similar experiences, some of the shame and self-blame goes away. They think: "If this happened to those others, then maybe it wasn't my fault after all. How can all of these people be at fault?"

      One effective form of trauma therapy is group therapy in which the group members have all shared similar traumas, like groups for war veterans, battered wives, victims of childhood sexual abuse, etc. If you've never been a victim, all you need to do to understand this is to think about how you feel when you meet someone and realize they share your love of mountain climbing, or French cuisine, or stamp collecting or whatever. Knowing we have something in common with someone automatically makes us feel closer to them. It's human nature. So of course victims are going to be encouraged to come forward when they've learned that others who shared their experiences had. They see the bravery in their fellow victims, and feel brave themselves. 

     I said it in my last post, and I'll say it again: things need to change. We need to stop blaming and shaming and ridiculing victims. We need to stop living in the ignorant bliss of pretending that bad things do not happen, that abuse, assault, and rape do not happen. We need to support victims and make them feel comfortable reporting, not immediately scorn them. It's the 21st century for crying out loud. It's time to get our acts together.